今天我的吃饭：这是我的本子为吃饭。
I hate food. ____Correction I dont hate food, I hate the calories that exist in them. I can't believe that I actually became one of those stupid fucking idiots who cares about the calories in her cereal. I feel so fucking stupid, but now i can't look at almost any foods without thinking about the number on the back of its packaging. I wish I was naturally thin and tall. I know that if that was the case I would still find things to be insecure about but god, I hate it. My whole life I've never felt beautiful and now that I am trying to be more beautiful my mind is punishing me. I ate 1,675 calories today instead of the 1,207 I have set. I want to jump into the ocean and never emerge. I want to start purging again but I can't. I'm not allowed to and that really fucking sucks. Please please, I just want to feel pretty for once in my fucking life. I've never put on the perfect dress, or taken the instagram perfect pictures or been genunely hit on. Because I'm ugly. April/10/2025
I think that i'm a really pathetic person. Because here I am sitting in my room alone at 10pm on a Friday night holding back tears because it will annoy Sebastian, all because I am upset some people are happier and more confident than me. Seeing the people in the dance ensemble perform makes me feel like I'm a complete waste of a person. They were up there with all different types of bodies and faces and yet they were all so confident in performing. Even though I was in the audience were I should've felt ok being alone, I relaized that everyone else there had friends or somebody on stage that had ASKED them to be there for them. I was just another face. Some weirdo doing food polls on twitter to ignore the hunger pains in her stomach and the connection pains in her brain. I don't think the buspirone is working :( maybe I need to go higher. Am i really that messed up in the head? And now I'm crying too. Why didn't you invite Brynn? because she is starting to realize I am not fun. I think most people are starting to realize. William is still really great to me. I just hope that my problems don't end up hurting this friendship too. April/11/2025
But does anyone notice? But does anyone care? I feel like when I'm in therapy or at the nutritionist, or at the physical doctor we are just talking in circles. I know that the truth is that I don't want to show Alexis or Julie or Verobej how utterly disgusted I am with my body. I hate the way my stomach buldges and my boobs dont sit right, I hate how long my face is and how large my forehead is. I hate how every lbs of fat in my body clings to my thighs,and how dark the pit of my skin are. I hate how peppered with acne scars my face is. I HATE MY SCOLIOSIS and how ugly it makes me back. I hate the way my hair HATES ME. I hate the way that I probably look gross and unattractive naked. I hate how people with less conventionally attractive bodies are so confident in their looks but i'm a whiny bitch. i hate how the worst thing about my looks, is the fact that my bitchy personality makes me uglier :( April/10/2025
I lowkey really really really am a horny person when my hormones get in alignment. I mean I am a total prude in the sense that I feel uncomfortable watching porn or sex scenes in movies. I hate reading smut because it makes me feel gross. I also feel a lot of shame at the idea of masturbation and sexual audios and things. Of course though, there are the moments when before and after my period I become a disgusting pervert. Its so strange because I do have the most intense aversion and disgust for sexual thingsc but then I am craving it. One thing thast is consistent though is that I want to be considered desirable sexually. I think it's obvious that this comes from my desire to be considered attractive but more than that I want to be considered fuckable. Which I know is so shallow and stupid but I am a shallow and stupid person a lot of times. I just want to be assured in knowing that if I were the type of person who was into hookup culture, I would have people who want to hookup with me and not because they think it would be easy but beacause they think it would be hard to get some because I am so desireable. I gues I'm finally becoming a girl. I fucking love my boyfriend and even though we've had sex a few times, I get scared that he doesn't think i'm good at it or desirrable in that way. I know its so silly but I think its fair for me to express my desires of sexuality April/19/2025